"Hunger and malnutrition kill nearly 6 million children a year, and more people are malnourished in sub-Saharan Africa this decade than in the 1990s, according to a U.N. report released Tuesday. Many of the children die from diseases that are treatable, including diarrhea, pneumonia, malaria and measles, said the report by the Rome-based U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization."

silent love is killing me
usemie dainya moyo yangu.

Dar es Salam

spent a week in dar, trying to find a microscope so that we can hopefully open a testing counselling center...and got to hang out with Meg Meiners, old buddy of mine. The micros were out of stock at the moment.

Had a good time with Meg, at the beach, went to a friend's wedding (will post some pics eventually)! but I missed Dodoma, its good to be back. Last night I stayed in Morogoro (Mororgoro Crater) with my "family".

“Janet” receives her news

Friday, Oct 21

So today when I arrived at the church Janet was there to talk to me. She had received her manila envelope with her test results not even opened. She handed it to me to open. She knew the results—they had talked to her and given her some counseling. She was HIV positive. She was surprisingly calm when we talked this morning. She had just really wanted to know the answer so that she could move on, and figure out the best way to live with the disease.

While we were talking I felt something in my spirit. I was listening to Janet explain why she was glad that she found out the news. She was saying that it was like the difference in hearing a car accident or seeing the accident itself. Knowing it was for real was better because she could know the truth and move forward….

I was thinking that true life, true redemption is facing our struggles and choosing to live with them and having hope, not letting the struggle overcome us….whatever we are stung with, born with, infected with…true life is not trying to avoid all pain, or having nothing hurtful happen to us….true life is dealing with it, and conquering its power over us, living with it, but not allowing it to define or dictate how we act and live, but allowing our true selves and the power of God to ring through our strengths and weaknesses….in some sense that is exactly the work of the atonement…solidarity with suffering to transform pain into joy, shame and guilt into acceptance and love…it is the conquering, transforming nature of the cross and rolled away tomb stone….

“Janet” was told that she would eventually need to go to Tumaini Clinic to get a CD4 test and ARV’s (she is 31 years old with a 7 year old daughter, Miriam). But for now, to concentrate on eating a good diet (beans, ugali, mchini chineese-spinach, meat once or twice a week) as long as possible before she gets too sick and needs meds is the best route. The only thing is that she is unsure she can get enough of the essential foods for her health…so we are going to try to assist her in creating a business so that she can make enough money to buy the right kinds of food. Manesseh gave her some ideas, and told her that we could help her a little, but she would have to take the responsibility to start thinking of what she could do…so that she can help herself with some direction from the church…

The other precaution she has to take is to not work hard during the day because it may be difficult for her health….

Janet was kicked out of her place a week ago…and so she can’t grow any vegetables because she no longer has a permanent place to stay so hopefully we can figure out how to get her access to foods she needs, or help her start a project, business so she can sustain herself...Anyway her spirit seemed at peace with the news, but still scared and confused; when Manesseh prayed she started to cry, and was trying to hide the tears after he was finished. We told her not to be afraid. God will help her, and we will be here to support her. pray for her...

Childrens meeting

Thursday, October 20
I attented the childrens ministry church meeting today….siku yote…nimechoka sana. The best part about the meeting is that there were 4 representatives for the watoto (chidren) who participated and gave their feedback, and what they had to share and advise was very good…. i was so impressed with them. They were articulate and thoughtful, and the adults showed great respect and love for the children to share their perspective—it was valued and important. I thought it was really cool, I don’t think I have been in a meeting where children are given as much say as adults…We went over every detail they will spend on the Compassion Project taking care of 237 kids…every detail from what type of soap to type of bic pen.

My friend Joyce came over tonight again. Joyce works at a youth community center that is trying to increase awareness about HIV. She just received some bad news that yesterday one of her friends died from AIDS. Her friend was only 31 years old, and had an 8 year old daughter. When she discovered she was sick a year ago, her family refused to take care of her or let her live with them because they thought she would infect them and they condemned her, calling her a prostitute. She went to the hospital in Dodoma to get medicine but they didn’t give her any, saying that she was in too bad a state to receive medication, so she went back to her home in Ipagala to die. Joyce talked about how weak, and without hope she had been….and said her hair was falling out so that she was almost totally bald. We went to see if we could find her sister who lives in makole, the area I am living in, but she was gone…probably to be with family in mourning….she died yesterday. Her name was Fatima….she died alone because her family was too scared, ashamed, and ignorant to live with or take care of her.

SUNMON

Monday, October 17

Talked to Baba about his experience in the Mennonite church—fascinating stuff--about these charasmatic revivals that happened...i wrote about it in my journal, maybe illl post it later...

Went to duka to buy a light bulb, and then met a man from Somalia who introduced me to his daughter Sarah, who live just across the street from my Rwandan-Tanzanian friend—such a beautiful 18 year old girl....i fell in love with them....

Her grandfather was a Somali british soldier during world war 2, then immigrated here....they were fasting, enjoying rammadan, one woman was watching television in their house from Saudi Arabia, she only speaks Arabic. Her cousin staying with them, named Rahema...lived in Nairobi for many years—knows eastleigh, she lived in Nairobi West...

I don’t know but something happened, I felt totally revived....it made me so happy to visit with them....


Sunday, October 16

I preached in the service today. yep.

Janet came today because she was super sick, she came early because other wise the sun would be too hot to walk under. We took her to the hospital after church, Mirembe Hospital. She was abandoned by her mother and her mother took her four year old daughter this week--this is one week after getting her results back that she was positive. Please pray for this woman. Please pray that we can be able to visit and encourage her and that she won't give in to the despair.

Monday, October 17

Monday
A woman came in today who found out she was HIV positive last week and her friends brought her to the church because they know about our program. One of her friends brought us to another friend a few weeks ago and now we are assisting her. She was very upset. At first telling us about her story. I love Mrs K. She has such a gentle and firm counseling style. She started to cry when she told us about finding out the news, and then more tears came as she was talking about her family. She started to get sick last April, and got medication for some symptoms but never really recovered. She has a 4 year old little girl. Her mother came to live with her when she found out she was sick. Her mom has told her she needs to accept her situation and figure out what to do (this is a good word). She was 25 years old. She had not finished secondary school because it for a variety of reasons was not a good situation for her, so she left her village and came to Dodoma maybe 5-6 years ago. She started to work in a bar, met a man, had a child, the man left her, she continued to work in the bar to support herself, and then got really sick, and as stated before only last week found out she was positive. We tried to encourage her to leave the bar business, and she nodded in agreement, but if she can’t find other work I don’t know what she will decide. She was so thin, she was so young, her smooth light brown skin and her short, tinted hair was wrapped with a bright blue cloth. The curtain in the room kept blowing against the back of her head, like it was trying to grab her and hide her sad face.

So we advised her to go for a full examination this week and then to see what we can do to assist her…we can definitely assist with food, although she said she usually has enough…she had a bit of a tough exterior but that melted when she started to cry….but by the end, she was smiling and chuckling at some comments Mrs K was making…We told her, don’t be afraid! Don’t be afraid! We will help with what we can, we want to support her, and she is welcome here if she needs anything. Mrs K kept telling her, don’t cry, don’t cry…God will help you, he is helping you now….

I took her to the clothes room, store where some clothes from Canada had been donated. I asked her is she was afraid of rats since I just found out they are now eating the clothes in the room, or attempting to…I gotta get some shelves or something and get rid of these stinkin boxes…Anyway I think she was encouraged to get some clothes and shoes for her body and her child…she seemed happy when she left..

Premature

You were early to begin with,
premature.
first cry from your tiny lungs
echoed before the tears of the dawn

into the world with mama’s fingers
clenching the earth
water breaking before you were due
fingernails digging into the dirt of pain
air of sweat were yours from the beginning

In the shadows of the moonlight
Mama’s arms held you
Warmed by her fire
Lost in the glow
Sparks hissing from the oil
Smoldering your bright eyed face
She protected you

Until she disappeared.

A few years after you learned to walk
You were kneeling down,
A few years after playing mama with other playmates
You became “mama” your self
Picking up the younger ones

Premature mother
Wrapping their chubby faces against your back
Gathering wood for fire,
water for boiling,
finding something to eat.
little brother and little sister curled beside you every night
you could hear there whimpers in sleepy haze,
“Mama Dogo, where did Baba go?”
“Mama Dogo, where did Mama go?”

Until they disappeared.

A few years later your groans
overcame you
You missed mama’s arms,
Lingering memories of her touch.
You gave yourself up one night to a man
to feed your starving ones
trying to find some kind of love
some support
just some food
a little comfort dulled the numbness
and pangs of hunger

Until he disappeared.

You gave birth to your baby girl
beloved under your wing,
into your impoverished nest
more little knocks on your door
another empty stomach crying to be fed
little moans from her sweaty forehead
sleepy eyelids pressed against your breast

Until she disappeared.

It was yours from the beginning
Weaving your heart against a landscape of pain
No more fighting,
No more resisting
Swallow it up
Any way you could

If only you could disappear.

Drifting in dreams,
Lying your thin body down
motionless on the cold unfeeling ground
too in pain to move
too alone to cry
nobody came

until mamas feet appeared by your outstretched arm
touch my face and feel the flame
My embrace is still warm
I’ll wipe away every tear
My love is still here in the shadows
Come in out of the cold and sit with me in the kitchen.

And then You disappeared.


written October 17